CHARGE UP YARDSALE HILL, THE
Comedy, by Ken Bradbury, 1994
Dawn attacks! It may sound like a WW II epic but it’s a little closer to home: the first experience of a girl who accompanies her mother to a weekend yard sale. 'Yardsale' is one of the funniest bargains you'll find.
Duration7 - 10 minutes
- 1 Female
Product Id: #102
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An excerpt …
(It’s time to grow up!)
I didn’t ask to go. It was not my idea. My Saturday mornings usually belong to me and Mom doesn’t interfere but this was no normal Saturday morning … and this is no normal mother. Some mothers are called to wrestle steers in the rodeo, others to repair nuclear bombs, or stomp alligators, or teach seventh graders, but nothing so tame would appeal to my mother. My mother is a Commando. A Yard Sale Commando. My grandmother must have dropped a “For Sale” sign on her head when she was still a young girl and she’s never recovered.
(She sees a person she doesn’t recognize.)
And that look! That look in my mother’s eyes! I’d never seen anything like it! Even my fourth-grade report card hadn’t earned that sort of … of … craziness! “Mom,” I said. “What’s the matter?”
“In the yard sale game, (your name),” she sneered, “it’s either crush or be crushed. This is the day you grow up, little girl!”
(Into the breach!)
And with those loving words, she was off … to fight, perhaps to give all she had for … that one … last … bargain. I stood there vowing that I would never give in to the awful addiction that had captured my mother’s heart: The Eternal Bargain! I’d seen what it had done to our family: My father sneaking out at night to buy things that weren’t on sale just because we needed them; My little brother wearing a snowsuit four sizes too big just because it was a bargain; Our entire house filled with knickknacks that no one could identify.
I swore that this would never happen to me. I stand here today as living testimony that you can overcome … (something in the audience catches her eye) … you can overcome … (she moves closer to an audience member) … Where’d you get that shirt? What’d you pay for it? What’ll you take? No, really. I’ve got to have it. You want cash or check? No, really. I’ve got to have it!
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