SO LONG, KITTY

(A scene for three actors; Carson, Lucy and Parker. A girl should play Lucy but the other two roles may be played by actors of either gender. Just tweak the personal pronouns to suit your cast.)

CARSON: (as Lucy and Parker stand to one side of Carson, solemn) Dearly departed, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of our friend. … to put him into the ground … his final resting place. (Lucy begins to sniffle.) He was a good friend. We all loved him. (Lucy begins to sob quietly and Parker moves to comfort her.) He led a good life. For … (to Lucy) . . how old was he?

LUCY: (through her tears) Seven.

CARSON: For seven years he was with us. He ran with us; he played with us; he ate the scraps off our floor. (a pause, then) I can’t do this.

PARKER: You gotta!

CARSON: I cannot do a funeral for a cat! I feel silly!

LUCY: Bubba’s dead! You promised you would do his funeral! (She cries some more.)

CARSON: I’m sorry, Lucy. I really am. But I don’t think this is right. I mean, having a funeral for an animal. Can’t we just bury him and go have a Coke?

LUCY: How can you think of refreshments at a time like this?

CARSON: Hey, I can always stand a snack. Look, let’s just toss a little dirt onto the shoebox and call that a funeral.

LUCY: You promised, Carson!

PARKER: You promised!

CARSON: Okay! Okay! Dust to dust, ashes to ashes, hairballs to hairballs …

PARKER: Carson!

CARSON: He ran! He jumped! He chased laser pointers! He chewed the fringe off my dad’s easy chair and got a swift kick.

PARKER: Carson!

CARSON: What am I supposed to say about a cat? He spent the whole day sleeping and eating. What am I supposed to say about that?