THE FOUR IN ONE

(They were supposed to do one show.)

     ETHYL: Four shows? Are you crazy?

     LUCY: Okay, I got confused.

     RHODA: Four shows! Where are we gonna get shows?

     LUCY: Look, they said they wanted a program for little kids. I thought they wanted some little play and hey, we’re actors. We’ve done plays.

     MARY: Four?

     LUCY: I misunderstood. I thought she was asking for a four-minute play.

     KAROL: Lucy, we’ve only got one show. One. Count ‘em. The kids are out front waiting for four.

(Here’s the first variation.)

     LUCY: Just follow me. (to the audience) And now boys and girls! The Three Little Pigs ... uh … in Texas!

     RHODA: What?!

     LUCY: Ride, piggy! Ride! (And the three pigs hop on their imaginary ponies and begin riding)

     RHODA: (chewing and spitting with the other two as they ride their ponies) You know partner, it was a shame what old Billy-the-Wolf did to your little sagebrush hacienda.

     KAROL: Yeah, and when that no-good side-windin’ pork-stabbin’ sucker blew the puddin’ out of your adobe hut I was mighty perturbed. 

     RHODA: Mighty perturbed.

     ETHYL: Mighty perturbed.

(It runs out very well.)

     LUCY: They’re cheering! They’re screaming! They want more!

     ETHYL: No!

     LUCY: They want another scene!

     RHODA: No way!

     LUCY: But see the looks on their faces?

     ETHYL: See the fist in my hand?

     LUCY: I know! Pigs do Shakespeare!

     RHODA: Lucy!

     LUCY: The first pigs on the moon!

     ETHYL: Somebody gag her.

     LUCY: Spanish Pigs! Ole!